I was sitting in my study reading the sports page, in it, a story about The San Francisco 49er’s visit to Houston this weekend (this is the Sunday
morning edition, so the game had not been played yet). The reporter was writing about the Houston homegrown Mike Singletary, the legendary linebacker for the Chicago Bears, now the head coach of the Niners. The reporter, Dale Robertson, of the Houston Chronicle writes about Singletary;
A Worthing High School graduate, Singletary has a meeting with Gary Kubiak, who got his diploma from St. Pius X. These two local boys who made good are bringing their NFL teams together at Reliant Stadium.
Included in the party will be Oliver Brown (his high school coach). Ask Singletary, who detoured through the Hall of Fame as a Super Bowl-winning linebacker for the Chicago Bears before he answered coaching’s call, where he would be today without the influence of Brown, and he replies, “It’s a frightening thought.”
Abandoned by his father when he was 12, Singletary…
This is where I stopped reading. This is the moment I was moved to write this post.
Everytime I read, “Abandoned by his father…” or some variation of it, my heart sinks. Even though I lived it, I can’t imagine what would drive a man to leave his family (if he is a man at all). My father declared on New Years Day 1981 in a drunken stupor shortly after my parents divorce that he would, “forget that I ever had this family!” True to his word, I haven’t seen him since.
My children are the most valuable beings on this Earth today along with my wife. I cannot imagine the phrase, “Abandoned his children” associated with my name.
So when I read something like this, it breaks me down in the utter recognition of the failure of manhood…
Singletary seems to have done well for himself despite his circumstances. So have so many others whose father or mother made the decision to leave them. More proof that we do not have to be product of circumstance.
I thank God that I don’t have it in me to leave my family. I thank Him further that I have no desire to.
Mr. Man
{ 14 comments }
I can't imagine leaving my children. It had to have been hard seeing your father leave your family, never to return. You are such a great thinker when it comes to being a dad and a husband. I have thought this since reading your blog- and actually talked with my wife about it in a car ride this weekend- specifically talking about your blog. Thanks for being a representative of good fathering.
I agree with your comments Mr. Man. Although I grew up without a relationship with my father, I could not imagine living a life without my child being a part of it. I did not meet my father until I was 20 years old. I saw him on 2 occasions after that and 1 more time when he was in a coma a day before he passed away.
In saying that, the 2 most difficult moments in my life both were a result of the lack of a relationship with my father. The first was when I met a guy that my father had developed a relationship with and treated him as a son after being his professional mentor (The guy and I would later become friends). The second came when I attended my father's funeral. My father was well respected in his profession. He also was a deacon at a very prominent baptist church here in the city of Houston. The church's family life center bears his name. So of course, at his home going service, a lot of people had a lot of good things to say about him, including what a great father he was to his two daughters, which were his children with his present wife and the only ones most people knew anything about. Little did most people know was that he had at least four more children (2 boys and 2 girls) by four other women, who all except 1 of the girls (1 girl was doing time in prison at the time) were in attendance. It took everything in me to sit through that and not get up and say something to shed some light on some of the skeletons in his closet. What held me in my seat with my mouth closed was that the Bible says to honor your father and mother. It does not give you a pass if they suck at being a parent.
I say all of that to say that knowing the pain that I've endured throughout my life as a result of my father failing to handle his responsibilities, I could not live with myself if I thought I was putting my daughter through anything similar to that.
my cousin's dad left when she was about 12 and he never called, wrote, anything! I remember asking her if she hated him after a few years and she said, "I feel sorry for him. He's the one who missed out."
Like many of the previous commenters, I could not imagine leaving my family in the lurch. It smacks of a highly selfish act perpetrated by someone that has no clue what life is all about.
And this is slightly off topic, but Singletary might be one of my favorite coaches in the league right now. I'm not a 49ers fan, but I really want him to be successful.
Wow. It is always refreshing when men are truly fathers and not just sperm donors. So many of us have/had dads that were not in the picture, it is amazing how much we are able to accomplish "In spite of."
Great post. I can't fathom, either, someone leaving their family, for any reason.
I like meeting people like you, Tom, and others who have risen way above such a tragedy. The silver lining, if there is one, is that your kids benefit in a major way because you are such great dads.
As a parent it boggles my mind that people can be capable of such an act. I could not and would not want to envision a life without my family.
@WeaselMomma. It is bewildering, isn't it? Nothing could keep me from kissing my sleeping babies or having them attack me upon my return home. It's hard for me to imagine life before them.
As a child I often told myself that what I didn't ever have, I couldn't miss. Therefore not having a father around was no big deal to me at the time.
Or so I told myself.
In truth, I felt lost and bewildered, wondering what my role was. My mom did her best, but there's only so much she could do.
As a father myself, I now know what it was I missed and I spend every day reminding myself that I have this opportunity to provide it for my kids, that they may never know abandonment.
@Tom. Amen for dads like you, Tom.
I agree, deadbeat dads who skip out on their families are lower than pond scum. No argument here.
But just because someone's dad abandoned them, doesn't mean a child can't thrive. You (and Mike Singletary and many others) are proof of that. And just because a small percentage of dads out there give up on their families, it doesn't signify an "utter failure of manhood." There are mothers who give up on families too. It just means we all need to try harder, and posts like these further that cause.
Good post.
@Daddy Files. I absolutely agree that the abscence of a father does not mean that a child can't thrive. Although I missed my father, I had a basically happy childhood. Do I think I would have been happier with both parents? Yes.
Incredible post. I have experience the emotional abandonment of a parent, despite the somewhat physical presence. Either way it sucks. Not sure how you deal with it as a parent now, but I constantly thinking if i am loving enough, showing it, saying it, demonstrating it enough, being present enough. It's amazing how despite the tragic emotions left behind, we "abandoned" children turned out to be such strong, loving parents, huh? Maybe it speaks to the credit of those who stayed behind. Maybe it is them who are truly the strong ones.
@NYCityMama. Maybe that's because we try to overcompensate for what we lost. Maybe. I know that I fully give my father credit for my becoming the man I am today. Meaning, I work to do the opposite of his example.
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